Wanting without needing

Your wants correspond to your hopes; your needs are related to your fears.

You know how I said in my recent post on agency that the subject would come up over and over again? Well, here's something I've worked through recently that, no surprise, comes down to the difference between action and reaction. And, also no surprise, it has to do with hope and with fear.

The relationship between wants and needs is one that has intrigued me for a long time, but it wasn't until today that I feel like I have a hook down deep in the fish, so to speak. Now, I realize that there are lots of ways one could potentially define what wants are, and just as many ways to define needs. The difference you will find here has more to do with feel and less with substance, but it was profound when I came across it, so I'm sharing it here in hopes it helps someone else as well.

I've often wondered what it means to be a “needy” person, what constitutes needs vs wants. Don't we all, fundamentally, crave the same things as human beings? We all need to be loved, to love, to build meaningful relationships and connect with others. Sure, every person is unique, but don't we all operate basically the same way, and aren't we all basically searching for the same things?

So what does it mean to call someone “needy”? It seems to imply that the rest of us don't have needs. What's the difference between needing something, and wanting it? Since this article excludes material needs (such as food, water, clothing, etc) to focus on those of a more emotional and spiritual nature, perhaps the question is more precisely framed this way: how can you have emotional and spiritual needs without being needy? Or rather, how can you want without needing?

I know there's a huge difference between wanting and needing, because I've experienced it in my own life. But like I said before, it can be easy to confuse because the difference is more one of feel than of substance. The object of desire, after all, is exactly the same. It's the way we desire it – and above all, the feelings that motivate us to pursue it – that differ. But built into that apparently miniscule difference is a life-changing paradigm shift.

Wanting something is the conscious recognition of a desire; to want is to decide to pursue an objective, whether short-term, long-term, or somewhere in between. Wanting something makes a positive statement about value.

Needing something also indicates desire, but the feeling is fundamentally different. Instead of a positive statement of what we hope will happen, need makes a negative statement of what we fear will not happen. Need is self-centered: the focus is on how the object of desire will help me. Want can be very selfish at times, but it is externally focused, on the object of desire itself.

Here is the fundamental distinction: when we feel and act needy, we are reacting to our fear that our needs will not be met; when we want instead of need, we are hopeful that what we want will be realized, but we are calm inside when contemplating a future where they are not. We don't fear the unfulfillment of our wants; we fear the unfulfillment of our needs. When we act on feelings of need, we allow our fears to dominate our decisions. When we act on our wants, we allow our hopes to direct our choices. Wanting is an outward expression of the hopes that live in our hearts. Needing is an externalization of our fears.

The connection with agency (and much of the reason why this distinction is crucial) is clear: wanting is an action; needing a reaction. Needing is a reaction to fear; wanting is a conscious choice to pursue the realization of our desires. Which now allows us to answer my initial question: What do we mean when we say someone is needy? A needy person is someone who allows himself to be acted upon by his fears. The opposite is someone who consciously acts to realize his hopes.

So why does this really matter? Does it matter? To move from needing to wanting is an internal paradigm shift, a transformation that takes place in the mind and the heart. But does it have a meaningful effect on the individual? On those around him or her?

I think the difference is enormous. There is incredible strength in knowing that you don't need anything in this sense of the word. When we allow feelings of need into our hearts, and those needs aren't met, we immediately begin to self-criticize. For instance, someone craving social acceptance but who doesn't find it will definitely wonder if there isn't something wrong with him. Someone who wants social acceptance (who doesn't?) but who knows that he doesn't need it will have a much easier time accepting himself. This self-acceptance will generate confidence – a very important tool for winning social acceptance. If being accepted is a long-term objective of this person, he will be in a better position to objectively and calmly assess what he can do to make it happen, then go about implementing his plan confidently.

It is important to emphasize that the confidence comes from a willingness to accept with serenity the unfulfillment of hopes. By my definition, on the other hand, no one can accept with serenity the unfulfillment of needs. If you can say, “I really want a group of friends where I feel accepted and included, but I'm still ok without it,” then you have moved from needing to wanting.

In addition to helping you love and accept yourself, transitioning from needing to wanting shifts the focus of attention away from yourself and towards others. Freed from the grip of self worth-threatening fears that occupy your thoughts and sap your energy, you can instead direct your thoughts, attention, and energy onto others.

This isn't necessarily a selfless gesture – after all, it will probably help you get what you want. Paying more attention to others – their feelings, their wants, their needs – doesn't necessarily make you less selfish; but it does make you less self-centered. A needy person is almost always self-absorbed, self-centered, and inwardly focused. Which, tragically, is the biggest reason why their needs often go unmet – which in turn only increases the fear they feel, further occupying their thoughts.

This is a big part of the reason why focusing on others can often be the best solution to depression. Not only does serving others provide a natural source of joy, but focusing on discerning the needs, feelings, and wants of others goes a long way to helping you understand how to meet your own wants. People don't want to be around needy people because they feel the burden of meeting those needs. They feel the desperation, and it can be onerous to feel responsible for saving someone from that fear. People do, however, want to be around people who understand and help them fulfill their own wants and needs. So people who learn to control their fear and turn needs into wants are naturally more popular, more likely to draw people to them.

If nothing else, this principle is important because it reveals yet another instance of a human tendency towards allowing ourselves to be acted upon, rather than acting for ourselves. And learning to maximize our agency is a big part of what life is all about.