The odd link between pain and anger

The other day I was thinking about anger. Where does it come from? Why do we feel this powerful emotion? And why does it always feel like reaction? Reaction to what? Trying to trace this emotion back to its source, I came across a rather startling realization: in almost all cases, anger originates from pain and/or fear. An angry person is one who has been hurt, who is suffering, or who is afraid. And properly dealing with that pain or fear can quench the anger. 

I’m not sure exactly how I stumbled on this, but if you think about specific examples and try to trace the anger back to its source, you almost always run into pain or fear, or both. Indeed, fear is the source of significant pain and anguish, so the connection is hardly surprising.

For instance, take a group of three friends. Initially, they are all equally close to one another, more or less; but over time, two of them grow closer to each other than to the third. The two are happy and sense nothing wrong, but over time the third friend grows inexplicably angry with the other two, being mean or spiteful for no apparent reason. The two friends might interpret this to mean that the third doesn’t really like them anymore, when in fact the opposite is true: the anger stems from her hurt feelings at being excluded or feeling less loved.

Or an even simpler example: you stub your toe hard. What do you do? You hop around, cursing like a sailor for half a minute while the pain subsides. Someone walking in on this scene might be frightened by the sudden burst of angry words. But there’s no cause for alarm – the anger will subside with the pain.

At first, I was confused as to why pain would lead to anger. Pain inspires sympathy and a tender desire to help and comfort. Fury, in contrast to pain, drives others away and discourages the kind of comfort and love that would best address the suffering that caused the rage in the first place. It all seems very counter productive and ironic to me.

Yet it’s true. Every time I feel angry about something it comes down to an offense: someone or something offended me, hurt my pride or my feelings. But if this natural reaction is so counterproductive, then perhaps by understanding the reason behind it one can learn to overcome it. This is especially important in light of Jesus’ famous statement: “Woe unto the world because of offenses! For it must needs be that offenses come.” (Matthew 18:7, KJV) I take this to mean simply that it is impossible to avoid being offended in this life; people and circumstances are going to offend you every single day. So the sooner we overcome the knee-jerk reaction to resort to anger, the better off we will be.

So why is it that pain and fear give rise to anger? I think, after some reflection, that it arises from two factors. First, anger is an anesthetic, a painkiller. We resort to anger because it distracts us from our pain. Think back to the stubbed toe example. Why resort to cursing while you hop around on one foot? Because it takes your mind off of your throbbing toe a little. That’s why the cursing tends to subside with the throbbing.  Or the friend who has been excluded forgets her hurt and loneliness and rejection by focusing instead on being mean. She may not even consciously recognize that her anger is the result of her feelings of rejection, so effectively has her anger distracted her.

Second, the alternative to responding in anger makes you feel helpless; and people don’t like to feel helpless. Responding in anger gives the impression of accomplishing something  - and sometimes, if directed carefully and properly, anger can lead to getting important things done. But most often the perception of power that comes with anger is illusory and short-lived, or at worst is highly destructive, rather than productive. But those who suppress the resort to anger have little choice but to quietly, humbly endure the pain. To be honest, this is extremely hard to do. It’s why Jesus’ command to turn the other cheek is so revolutionary – and difficult. You simply have to submit to the pain without any distraction or anesthetic. Resisting the urge to anger and quietly, patiently enduring pain is, I think, at the heart of what it means to be Christian.

There is something magical in enduring pain and suffering without recourse to anger and wrath. It prevents the wounds to self and others that rage always inflicts. But it also changes you. Great patience is required, and I have learned that patience is the greatest virtue of them all; where it goes, every other blessing follows. By resorting to anger, you are forfeiting the chance to mold your character in the heat of affliction. Sometimes absorbing that heat (rather than directing it outwards at others) allows impurities to burn away, leaving you more refined.

I certainly haven’t discovered every aspect of this issue, but I’m intrigued by the connection. It seems to me that this is one of those golden keys to wisdom, maturity, and happiness in life. And like all such keys it is difficult to master. Jesus himself mastered it to perfection – which indicates how important it is for us to follow and do likewise.

P.S. I hope I haven’t offended the reader by my frequent references to Jesus. It’s just that he is, in my mind, the greatest teacher of all time; so whether or not you believe he is the savior of the world, I hope you can appreciate his role as a teacher.