Wow, it’s been a while since I started this blog and still
nothing to show for it but the introductory post. Hopefully this won’t become a
tradition – but each post does take a good deal of thought and time, so maybe
it’s inevitable.
What I’m posting today are some of my thoughts on
understanding other people and other points of view – why we are sometimes
afraid to understand, and why it is so vital that we seriously try.
Pretty much everyone has a way of seeing things, of
interpreting the world around them; you might call this a person’s worldview.
It’s like a lens or filter through which all information must pass before it is
received by the individual. This filter affects the way he or she perceives everything, from
interpersonal relationships to politics to the weather. None of us are always
fully aware of this filtering process (some of us are rarely aware at all) –
and yet it affects every moment of every day.
Sometimes, I have what I call “moments of clarity,” when I
see things so clearly, and the connections between events become so obvious,
and my past and future seem so intimately linked that I marvel that I couldn’t
see it before. It’s like the filter was suddenly cleaned of the gunk that normally
clogs it; or the lens warping my vision was temporarily removed and my eyesight
became momentarily ‘20/20’.
But these moments of clarity don’t last long, and to be
honest they are few and far between, at least in my experience they have been.
Which means that, most of the time, the filtering and interpreting and warping
goes on unchecked and mostly unnoticed. We get so comfortable with the way we
see the world that when someone challenges us with a different point of view,
we don’t want to hear about it. We throw out our stock retorts to their
challenge and retreat within the dark, safe, familiar recesses of our minds,
seeking shelter from rays of light that might reveal…what? We don’t usually
know exactly, but we’d rather not find out!
This is why people are sometimes afraid to try and
understand someone or something different from themselves, and why few make a
sincere effort to do so. I think, somewhere deep down, we’re afraid that if we
do, we will discover that something we had always assumed and believed to be
true actually isn’t after all. Or that what we believed is still valid, but we
had understood only in part – we had seen only one side of the matter. Or
perhaps we’re afraid that we will find that in fact there isn’t that much
difference between us and them, the way they see the world and what they hope
it will become, and the way we see it and what we hope for. Perhaps there’s a
part of us that needs an enemy, that would find a world where everyone is on
the same side more than a little unsettling.
More than anything, though, I think it’s the fear of
discoving that we are wrong, that we need to alter our comfortable worldview to
accommodate this new truth, that makes us recoil from true understanding. We
prefer to understand in part, as long as it spares us the pain of understanding
in full.
Let’s face it, there’s a lot
we don’t know. And there’s a good probablility that a fair amount of what we
think we know isn’t true at all. But even while most people will publicly or
privately admit that they don’t know everything, not that many are willing to
voluntarily venture out of their comfortable cave to discover things that might
shake the foundations of their worldview. There’s too much fear, too much
uncertainty and instability. And so we don’t genuinely try to understand one
another.
This is especially true when two people discuss or debate an
issue about which both care a great deal. Each will fire off stock arguments
and responses like standard issue ammunition that can be easily loaded and expended
with minor effort or expense. If either listens to the other at all, it’s with
the goal of detecting a weakness or chink in the opponent’s armor, the better
to exploit it. Here, extra effort goes into developing special-purpose weaponry
that can wound or disable a particular opponent. But certainly neither is
actually trying to understand why the other feels or thinks the way they do,
much less trying to see things from their point of view.
And again, the reason is fear. When engaging in such a
debate (particularly over issues that seem very important, for whatever
reason), there’s always the gnawing fear that your opponent will come up with
an argument you can’t counter – or, heaven forbid, you might actually discover
they’re right!
The problem is that we’re too busy defending our turf, our
pride, our identity, that we forget to care about the truth. So what if, after
a serious debate, I discover that the truth of the matter happens to fall
closer to “their” position than mine? Rather than be angry, I should be happy,
because I learned from the exchange. When you look at it this way, they spent
their time simply reiterating truth that they already understood for my
benefit! Why, I should thank them from the bottom of my heart!
And we shouldn’t be worried that we’ll be hoodwinked or
tricked into believing untruth. The way I see it, the truth doesn’t need to be
coddled, protected, and kept in a bubble in order to survive. It can defend
itself. And if you give the matter serious consideration and thought, the truth
of it should become more evident over time. This doesn’t guarantee that the
world will get simpler – on the contrary. But your wiser, more nuanced picture
will be nearer the truth than what you originally believed.
Finally, to make a long post a little longer, I’ll toss in
my two cents as to why it matters that we try and understand one another. The key reason is this: understanding
leads to love – genuine love. I think it’s hard to truly love something or
someone that you don’t understand. I think it’s downright impossible not to
love something or someone you truly understand. So in the name of love, let’s
speak less and listen more. And let’s all open our hearts and our minds to what
others are trying to tell us.
